The Olive Oil Scam Making Dinner Taste Like Shit
By Patricia Sommers
Oct 4, 2024
Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil may contain about as many olives as Candy Corn has corn.
When you splash that golden oil over your caprese, drizzle it atop a crusty slice of sourdough, or even use it as delicious lube (hey, no judgment here), you're indulging in a ritual as old as civilization, and you cant help but picture sun-soaked Mediterranean groves, ancient trees tended by generations of sunburnt farmers. But hold that thought. The olive oil you're using might be as fake as Milli Vanilli, and the scam runs deeper than you think.
Welcome to the twisted world of olive oil—a place where climate change has become a blessing to criminals, not a burden, they can use all that extra cash on AC anyway. Extra virgin olive oil (EVOO) has become the go-to counterfeit commodity, and that pristine image is slipping through our fingers faster than blood diamonds.
Mother Nature's Plot Twist
For the rest of us, climate change is very real, man-made or not, Mediterranean countries like Italy, Spain, and Greece—the Dua Lipa, Sabrina Carpenter, and yes, the Taylor Swift of olive oil production—are getting hit with weather so weird it makes sci-fi movies start to look like docos. Record-breaking heatwaves and droughts that make the Sahara look like a water park are wrecking olive harvests all around the world, especially in the Mediterranean.
Spain, the overachiever of olive oil, saw production drop by a jaw-dropping 50% last year because Mother Nature decided to fuck us. This isn't just making your grocery bill look like you accidentally bought a year's supply of Italian white truffle oil; it's creating a shortage that fraudsters are exploiting faster than Diddy buying baby oil
The Mafia's New Squeeze
Just when you thought it couldn't get worse, they pull you back in. Forget about fenty or cocaine; the new moneymaker is olive oil. Yep, the Mafia has gone Mediterranean diet on us, which to be honest, is very on brand. Criminal networks are orchestrating fraud operations so slick they make Ponzi schemes look amateurish.
In a massive bust, Italian authorities seized over 150,000 liters of counterfeit olive oil destined for international markets. These guys weren't just mixing in a bit of sunflower oil; they were running full-on chemistry labs to mimic the taste, aroma, and color of authentic EVOO.
Greece isn't far behind. Police uncovered a ring exporting fake olive oil to the U.S., complete with premium branding and price tags that could fund a small country's GDP. They had fake certifications, forged documents, and packaging so convincing it could charm the label off a wine bottle.
Well-known olive oil brands, including Bertolli, Carapelli (fuck you, never buying you again), Sasso, and Lidl's Primadonna, were embroiled in a significant fraud scandal after investigations by Italian authorities revealed that they had been falsely labeling lower-quality olive oil as extra virgin. This mislabeling allowed them to charge premium prices while selling shit products that did not meet EVOO standards, such as having higher acidity and less flavor, so come to think of it, maybe Diddy was just trying to be smart and was using all that baby oil to cook, it's probably healthier than this trash.
Health Risks
While getting scammed at the checkout line is annoying enough to make you swear off salad, the implications go beyond your wallet. Adulterated olive oil can pose serious health risks. Some fraudsters use oils extracted with industrial solvents or add substances like chlorophyll and beta-carotene to fake the funk. In the worst cases, these concoctions can contain allergens or contaminants that can do real harm.
Remember the toxic oil syndrome in Spain during the 1980s? An industrial rapeseed oil (not rape seed, just in case Diddy is reading), not meant for human consumption, was illegally sold as olive oil. Over 20,000 people were poisoned, and approximately 700 died.
How They Get Away with It
The science of olive oil is complex, and more so is the science of faking it. Crooks are using advanced methods like deodorization—a process that removes undesirable tastes and odors from low-quality oils—to pass off swill as swanky. They're blending cheaper vegetable oils and spiking them with just enough real olive oil to dance past basic chemical tests.
It's a game of cat and mouse, but the mouse has a PhD in biochemistry and zero ethics. According to a report by the European Commission, olive oil is among the top food products at risk of fraud, alongside fish and organic foods, the grand prix of foos fraud, and so far olive oil is winning all the categories.
The New Kids on the Block
Amidst this oily chaos, some heroes are emerging. Meet Graza, a startup that's turning the olive oil industry on its head—like a chef flipping an omelet with flair. Graza offers single-origin, cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil in sleek, traceable packaging. They're like the Sherlock Holmes of olive oil, using QR codes on bottles to trace the oil back to the exact grove and harvest date. Elementary, my dear drizzler.
Graza isn't just selling olive oil; they're selling peace of mind. In a market flooded with fakes, they're the real deal. They're harnessing social media and direct-to-consumer models to build relationships with customers who are tired of playing culinary Russian roulette.
Make Olive Oil Great Again (MOOGA?)
Then there's Diner Drug, a brand that's making olive oil so cool, it should come penny loafers. With edgy branding and collaborations with hip eateries, Diner Drug is turning olive oil into the next must-have accessory. Think of them as the Khruangbin of the olive oil world—rebellious, iconic, and undeniably attractive.
They focus on small-batch production and partner with local farmers, ensuring quality and authenticity, farm-to-table but with a punk rock attitude. They're tapping into the cultural zeitgeist, attracting a younger demographic that's health-conscious, brand-savvy, and tired of getting duped by the bigwig olive oil fucks.
Consumer Vigilance: Your Olive Oil Defense Strategy
So, how do you protect yourself in this slippery situation?
Label Detective Work: Look for specifics like harvest date, estate name, and certification seals from reputable organizations.
Buy Direct: Purchase from trusted brands or directly from producers. Companies like Graza and Diner Drug are as transparent they come.
Price vs. Too Nice: If the price seems too good to be true, it probably is. Genuine EVOO doesn't do discount bins.
Taste Test: Real EVOO has a distinctive taste—fruity, bitter, and pungent, sometimes even a bit spicy. If it tastes like canola, congrats, your at Diddy's (last Diddy reference, I promise)
Time for a Crackdown
Governments and international bodies need to get their shit together. Investing in advanced testing methods, stricter import inspections, and harsher penalties is crucial. It's high time the authorities stopped olive oil criminals from slipping through the cracks.
The Bigger Picture: A Symptom of Global Mayhem
At its core, the fake olive oil crisis is a symptom of larger issues—climate change turning agriculture into a guessing game and economic disparities making fraud a tempting career path for the morally flexible. As consumers, we're caught in the middle, paying champagne prices for what might be boxed wine.
Next time you reach for that bottle of olive oil, maybe think twice. Consider the journey it should have taken—from olives lovingly hand-picked and made love to under the Mediterranean sun to being cold-pressed and bottled with care. Instead, it might have taken a detour through a shady motel room where ethics go to die and STDs sprout.
In a world where counterfeit goods are so common, being an informed consumer is your best defense. Support brands that value transparency, like Graza and Diner Drug. Demand better regulations and enforcement from those in power. And above all, stay skeptical, this is a dupe that will end up inside you, not like your fake LV Neverful bag.
