Last week I caught myself scrolling through photos of my dinner while still eating it. My homemade gnocchi went cold as I stared at its steaming digital version. Somewhere between bites, I'd stopped being present in my own moment to instead document and share it, without ever enjoying it.

I've started noticing this void filling compulsion everywhere. Standing barefoot in my kitchen at 5AM, bathed in refrigerator light, but instead of just existing in that peaceful space, my hand's already reaching for the phone. My own thoughts aren't enough company anymore.

I vaguely remember when waiting for someone meant just...waiting. When being early to meet up with a friend forced you to study the couple arguing silently in the corner, or watch somebody looking to see if people are noticing that he’s reading, or mentally rearrange all the furniture? Now every potential moment of reflection gets drowned by the latest “Call Her Daddy” episode.

The worst part is knowing what I’m missing out on. Those quiet thoughts that sprout in empty moments. The ones where I think about whether I'm really happy with my life, or if I'm becoming more and more like my mother, in a good way, or nurturing an idea that might turn into a poem. It's easier to flood the silence with other people's lives than to hang around with my own thoughts.

Sometimes my battery dies and for a few minutes, I'm forced to resurface into the real world. The silence is so difficult at first. But then, slowly, my senses remember how to work. I notice the way my cat's breathing syncs with mine when she sleeps. The neighbor's wind chimes. All these tiny details that slip past when I'm hunched over my screen.

I wish I could say that I've embraced digital minimalism or learned to love boredom again. But the truth is, my phone's right here as I write this. My thumb's getting itchy now. There's probably a notification waiting.

Maybe admitting the loss is the first step to finding what's missing. Maybe it's okay to be bad at being bored. Maybe somewhere between the endless content and the empty spaces, there's a balance I haven't found yet.